Does the person who set up the date pay? Should I always expect the guy to pay? Should we split? Maybe I should pay?
I remember my first date with my high school sweetheart. I paid for it, and he HATED that. Even to this day I still make fun of him for shvitzing about it. But what's the big deal? I get the tradition, it's like the guy being a gentleman, taking the girl out yadda yadda. But isn't that a little outdated? Then, that was just something I did to make the point that I didn't expect him or want him to pay for everything. We were kids, we didn't work and we didn't have a lot of money to spend. So why not take turns paying, why not split?
Even the guy I'm dating now at college 90% of the time refuses to let me pay for anything. I think that's really sweet of him, but it still irks me a little bit.
At this point, I always expect to just split it. I don't need a man to pay for my food.
On the other side, my best friend just had a huge fight with her boyfriend because she expected him to pay for the whole meal, but he assumed they were splitting it. She was mad because she wanted him to be all gentleman-like.
I was reading this article about the same issue. A lot of things that author said I agree with. One interesting thing that she brought up was that "if you like a guy you let him pay". That correlates to the whole idea of a guy winning a girl over until she gives in and they start dating or whatever.
But why can't I express my interest by paying? Why can't I take him out? (Well I can and do, but my friends think I'm nuts) And really, it's not just about who gets to pay; it's the whole game. Usually the girl is supposed to play hard to get and the guy has to chase her. But I was never good at hard to get, and I love the chase.
There really needs to be more balance in the world of dating.
Talia,
ReplyDeleteInteresting blog post, and a good topic to discuss! I think it's very revealing how often we associate "weaker" or more "submissive" behaviors with women/female roles. Girls are expected to pay, and when they don't, it's almost as if you would be challenging his ("he" being whomever you're with) masculinity!
I've experienced this myself as a gay man...people as questions such as "do you pay if you're the 'girl' in the relationship?" Sometimes, they even ask these questions about my sex life -- not only does this reduce our relationship by refusing to understand it beyond a heterosexist framework, it also reenforces that someone has to be more submissive, weaker, the one who doesn't/can't pay. How can women afford equality when people think they can't afford fries?
it definitely shows the need for rethinking these "gentlemanly" duties altogether!
that's true! it's like they want to pay so they feel like more of a man or something when it really doesnt matter.
ReplyDeleteI never thought about that situation like that. why does there have to be a submissive weaker one anyway?
Omg, those awkward moments when the check comes is the worst! Haha the only time I ever paid for a meal was the time where I literally had to FIGHT my date to let me. Even then he wouldn't let me! Eventually I told him he can pay, but when he put his credit card down I took it, and used mine ;) so slick huh? But other than that time the guy has always paid for me, very "gentlemen" like, but kind of aggravating at the same time. I, as well as you, can pay for our own meals! I guess it really is the idea of feeling masculine and being able to "take care" of their girl. Sigh, the mysteries of dating.
ReplyDeleteTalia, I'm in the same position, kind of. My boyfriend gets really upset when I try and pay. It's gotten to the point where I won't offer anymore. But now arises a new problem; when I just let him pay he gets upset that I didn't even offer. It's a difficult balance between chivalry and equality. I love having my dinners paid for, but at the same time, it is strange that I am letting him believe that the only way he can show me that he cares is through gifts. I almost feel like I'm giving into sexism, on both sides. A girl MUST be taken care of, and a guy MUST provide for the girl.
ReplyDeleteTalia, I understand exactly what you are saying. My boyfriend never lets me pay either. I have to sneak my credit card to the waitress while he is in the bathroom so I can pay. He gets so mad when he comes back to pay the bill and it’s already taken care of. I think it may be it makes him feel more like a man if he pays. I like the gesture on special occasions but he doesn't need to do it on a regular basis. I figure we are in the relationship together so there is no need for him to pay for everything all the time.
ReplyDeleteTalia
ReplyDeleteIn the "olden days" it was a given that the male would pay for his date - whether it was the movies, an ice cream, or a meal. He would have felt insulted if the girlfriend paid. However, in some cases (such as mine) when the male was a student and not working, the girlfriend would sometimes offer to pay for herself (go Dutch), and that was more acceptable all around - after all we could go to Hectors for a meal for $3.98! Then came
Women's Lib..... and the rest is history!